The month of February is devoted by our society to love and romance. With that in mind, we are showcasing the romances of our favorite characters—Megan’s romance with Jonathan in The Twelfth Juror and Tracy’s picture-perfect wedding to Marty in Joyce’s new novel, The Warrior. In addition, we are highlighting some real-life romances. My sister Victoria has one of the most perfect real-life love stories I have ever heard. I have asked her to share her story with all of you in a series of blogs this month, and I hope that you will be as inspired by her true tale of true love as I have always been. And finally, our mother, Joyce, will be sharing some of the insights from her 48 year marriage through thick and thin to the man she married the day after she graduated high school in 1963. Their stories of love, marriage, perseverance, and overcoming obstacles are a reminder that real and lasting relationships do exist and do matter.
According to new statistics, nearly half of the population of the US is now single. For many people like me, hearing the stories of how those we love and admire found the perfect romance is the closest we have ever come to true love. Growing up, I was taught that the sole purpose of dating was to find a spouse to share a life with, and that if I prayed and asked God for a spouse He would send me my one true soul mate created just for me. When I was in my mid-twenties the True Love Waits program came to our church. The program emphasized the importance of purity before marriage, but people my age were considered to old for it and therefore not welcome. (Victoria who is six years younger than I, also experienced this though she was still a teenager.) But I did not need a ring or a program to remind me of what I already was confident of--if I kept praying and waited, I would eventually meet the right person, get married, have a family and live happily ever after. To me, True Love Waits did not simply mean abstaining from sex before marrying the first person who asked me—it meant not marrying until I found someone I really loved and wanted to spend a lifetime and raise a family with.
Having been in the Christian community my entire life, I have seen all of the fads and heard all of the advice from the family experts. Today many parents and church leaders encourage young singles to be “faithful to your future spouse.” I really believe that this is a mistake. Life does not come with guarantees—nobody has any assurance of a “future spouse.” But everyone has assurance of a God who loves us; He is the One to whom we owe a commitment. To me, it seems to be more practical to teach young people that sex is for marriage, and most people do find a partner and get married. But marriage is not an entitlement or a right—it happens for some people and not for others, and most of the time there is no clear reason why some people find romantic love and others don’t.
In my mid-thirties, I met a pastor with whom I appeared to have a lot in common. We were basically the same age; neither of us had ever been married. We were both from small towns and we had both been raised in the church and were close to our families. I had high hopes! But as we got to know each other, we discovered that in spite of these superficial similarities, we had deep-seated differences in our ideas about the role that government should play in individuals’ lives, our views on individualism and personal responsibility, and even our concepts of God and the church. These differences were so profound that they made dinner conversation difficult, and they would have become more pronounced had we married and attempted to raise a family together while teaching our children markedly contrasting views of life. After two years our relationship ended.
Now forty-one, I realize that being single may well be a permanent situation for me. I still wish for a family of my own—occasionally I still pray for it. But after over twenty years of unanswered prayers I do not let it consume too much of my attention. A year ago at Christmas I had lunch with a happily married Christian woman whom I had recently met. She mentioned that although I am single I appear to be “fine with it.” I am fine with it. I do not think I really have the “Gift of Singleness”, but I do have the gift of contentment and appreciation for the life I have, and that just might be even better. I have been blessed with a wonderful family who has been there for me in good times and bad. And I have work that I love doing (most of the time.)
I have also been privileged to be aunt to 11 nieces and nephews. On my desk, in a giant paperclip in which I store the most important documents that I want to view at all times, is a Post-it size note that my niece made for me when she was just learning to write in the first grade. In her neatest first-grade penmanship she wrote, “I love (heart symbol) you so much, Ant Alexandra. “ (Yes, she misspelled “Aunt”.) It makes me smile every time I see it, and it is a reminder that I may have never found true romance, but I have been blessed to receive a lot of love.
For singles, Valentine’s Day can be a sad and lonely time as advertisements and greeting cards make us feel that we are the only people alive without a Valentine. But the day does not have to be sad. The month of February, and all of the other months of the year, become happier as we acknowledge that real love is not found in a box of chocolates, or a dozen roses, or even a wedding band. Love can be expressed in these, but it is not inherent to them. The truest love in all of history was expressed for each of us when God sent His son to die for us and bring us back into a relationship with Him. That love is available to each of us all the time—we don’t have to hope for it or wish for it. He never loves us any more or any less than anyone else; no one else can come along and take our place; we never get too old or too fat or too sick or too boring for God to love us just as much as He did the day He created us. And that is a love worth celebrating, on Valentine’s Day and every day.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
